Deployment #2: Day Eight. So Much Going On.

So Bruce left for Afghanistan and I have been missing him more than ever, esp since everything that has been going home. My daddy, 2 of my sisters and my nephew came to Tennessee last Saturday to see Bruce off and be there for me. And let me tell you I am SOOO glad they came!! I was a total wreck an emontional wreck, I still am. The first night without Bruce was EXTREMELY hard on me. I could not sleep even with my sleeping meds. I was just missing him very badly and I held his pillow, which has his scent all over it, just laid down all night holding his pillow and smelling his pillow and held my phone. So it helped me some with his scent on his pillow. The Monday I went to North Carolina with my daddy, sisters and nephew to go visit my daddy's mom, we were only there for 3 days. We finally got home to Oklahoma Thrusday night, and man that 14 hour drive took a very very bad toll on my body!! I'm so happy to be living back home but I wish Bruce was here too. I want my husband and my family at the same time! The past 3 days I have been getting my bedroom in order and everything. It's all done besides I need a bunch of like plastic bins I can stack for all my clothes, I have way too many clothes, LoL!! Yesterday I spent hours printing out pictures and hanging them on my wall, a wall of pictures of Bruce and me and a wall of pictures of my man Michael Jackson. :D My daddy just laughs at me, LoL. I get internet for my desktop on Tuesday, THANK GOD!! Because my netbook hardly gets ANY service out in my room. (my room is outback at the end of the yard, my dad builds and he built a small room years ago) and the wireless router is all the way in the house so yeah don't really get serivce, goes in and out. Then I'll get my cable box either tomorrow or Tuesday, so I am happy about that also! Bruce and I have gotten talk 24/7 since his cell phone works over there. We text 24/7 and he calls like 4 times a day and we talk for a bit, but yeah with us texting all day long everyday it has been helping me A LOT and helping Bruce as well. Friday my doctor in Tennesee called and told me some not so good news. She did a BUNCH of tests to recheck Acute Kidney Failure (got it from my Lupus) and just wanted to make sure if all the 1st tests they did in Colorado or wrong or right. Well they were right, I do have it. My doctor told me I need to do Chemo then have kidney transplant... And I've been crying on and off since I found out, like I knew I had it but I was hoping all the 1st tests were wrong.. I didn't know know how to tell my husband esp when he is half way around the world!! I just really did not know how to tell him since horrible deadly news... Well yesterday I told him..and he didn't take it so good..He is really upset that he is not home with me right now and he is just extremely worried and scared, I think he is more scared and worried than I am. I don't wanna do Chemo until he is home but when I'm finally able to get int the Specialist and if they tell me I need Chemo NOW then I guess I will do it now and hopefully the Army will let him come home. This is all just very scary and I'm only almost 22 years old and I should not be dealing with all these health problems and the deadly health problems or all the chronic pain I go through 24/7. I should not even know what chronic pain is at my age!! But I guess you have to play the hand you are dealt...I know there is a reason for everything but I want to know why I have to go through all this? And Infertility and EVERYTHING ELSE and now Deployment #2... WHY!??!!!???!!? Sorry I am just very upset and I don't understand why I have to go through all this bad shit... I just want my hubby home and need him to just hold me, very tightly. Anyways, I have NOT gotten to rest or recourate since I have been home in Oklahoma and I really need to to after that 14 hour drive!! I haven't been alone either, my friends have been staying the night, but tonight no one is staying over!! I have stuff I gotta get done today...Gotta give all the Chi-Babies flea baths, then spray them with flea stuff then put flea drops on them.. They have NEVER had fleas until Oklahoma. They are SOOO bad here it's not even funny. I sprayed the flea stuff all over my room and outside my room.. Hope it works.. Then I really need to get my car cleaned out and vacum the whole car and get all the dog hair out... I really hope I can get those 2 things done today, at least! My pain level is through the roof today and I can hardly move, but it really needs to be done.. I really haven't been doing good AT ALL esp with Bruce deploying...I'm far from ok, but this is giving us our baby through InVitro so we will do anything for our future baby(ies) I just really need my husband and with my Separtion Anxiety it's making it way harder with him being gone but talking to him all day is helping, A LOT!

I miss you so much baby and I love you even more!! Be safe my love, I know that you will be safe and sound. The kids are really missing you esp Juliet...she keeps looking and going to the door and crying..Once we both get internet and webcam I think it'll help her to see you on webcam and hear your voice. Everything will be ok don't worry so much about me, I will be ok. I love you with every beat of my heart and I miss you so much, my heart aches for you. I love you Bruce, be safe Soldier!!

Some of the pictures of Bruce and I took the day he left.

Bruce and I during family time before the Soldiers have to go.

Never let go baby.

Kiss me like you've never kissed me before.

HUBBYKISSES!!! NOTHING BETTER!!!

Gotta get enough kisses to last a year!! ;)

Can't stop looking at your very handsome face and gorgeous black eyes.

Everytime he kisses my cheek I just can not help but smile so big. :D

Cheek kisses for hubby!! Made it kinda hard cause hit hat..LoL. I LOVE YOU!!

Your all I'll every need babylove.

LOL!! That is my husband for you!! WHO I LOVEEEE SOOO MUCCCCH! :)

Kiss me so deeply baby. MUAH!!!!

I'm married to a real life hero!! I LOVE MY SOLDIER!!!

Last kiss for a year... :( MISSING YOUR KISSES!!

My handsome husband and I.

Gearing Up For Deployment #2.

The Deployment is coming up as fast as I can open and close my eyes. Last month when we found out that he was gonna be home for 4 more weeks. I thought well maybe since this is the 4th time they have pushed it back, that maybe he wouldn't even go! But I knew deep down in my heart that he was gonna go, I just haven't accepted it and I don't want to. Bruce has even noticed that I have not accepted it and here we are less than 2 weeks til he leaves and for some reason I just CAN NOT accept it, and I think, well I know it's because I don't want to accept it. I don't want my husband going back to a war zone, going back to half away around the world, going back to oceans away, going back to thousands of miles away.... How can anyone accept that? Yes I know it's his job, but that doesn't mean I can't be upset about him leaving and wanting him to stay home, if that makes me selfish then I guess I'm being selfish. Yeah he has been home a little over 3 and half years but AT A PRICE! A price of him almost dying in Iraq and getting injured and having shrapnel in shoulder, and watching him in pain every single damn day. So yeah he has been home a few years but at a price. I'd rather him deploy every year if that meant he wasn't injured and in pain every single day. Some days his shoulder is so bad I have to help him get dressed and I always have to wash his back for him because he can't move his shoulder like that. Yes, I know that is a risk of any soldier going to war, but the Army made him nondeployable and was thinking about letting him get out but he stayed in because of my health so that I could have free health care, so he had to reclass to a job that he could do, so after he reclassed it made him deployable again. He did this for me and I thank him every day for it, no I did not ask him to reclass or stay in, that was all his decision. I'm just SO tired of other Army Wives opening their mouths about it, when they have NO IDEA about ANY of it! I'm so blessed to have had my husband home almost 4 years now, and I'm so sorry for all the wives that their husband's have to deploy every other year. I really am, that has got to suck. I know it sucks, because I know what it's like to go through a deployment. You may think it's unfair but it's not, because him being home this long came with a price that he will have to deal with for the rest of this life. You can say what you want about it, but you shouldn't say a damn thing about something you have NO IDEA about.

Anyways. I know I have to accept that he is leaving and soon. Or else the day he does leave, I know it will be harder on me...and him. And that is the last thing I want to do, for him. He needs to know that I will be taken care of and that I'm strong as hell. And he does know that. He knows how strong I am, he tells me everyday. My job is to stay strong and hold down the fort and take care of our babies while he is gone, and I will do just that! I'm not saying I won't have my bad days/nights because I will! Nights are always the worse, it's so hard to sleep alone, when your use to him sleeping right next to you, holding you. And you feel that safeness you feel that love. Thank God I have sleeping meds this deployment!! Last deployment EVERY NIGHT was soo hard on me, I could never sleep. And even with my sleeping meds, sometimes I can't sleep but I think they will help me some. And of course Holidays are very hard as well and not just for me, but for him as well. Nights are also hard on him, even when he was in AIT for 2 months last summer, every night was hard for the both of us because we are use to sleeping together, not alone. And even days were hard for us. We are so use to being together and we are attached to each other so bad, and my separation anxiety from him is very bad, but we are both so very strong, we can handle anything that is thrown at us!! And this is allowing us to do InVitro, if needed.

But this extra time has given us a chance to try to get pregnant 1 more time before he leaves, even though we may (hopefully not!) do IUI while he is gone. AF finally came after being 29 days late!! And I just ovulated so by the time he leaves we should know if I'm pregnant or not. And I'm praying to God, praying as hard as I ever have, that I'm pregnant!! I think there is a reason on why he got an extra month to stay home and a reason why AF came a few days before we found out. We believe that everything happens for a reason, we may not know the reason but there is a reason behind everything. Wednesday we had to go and do both of our wills and get me 2 POA's over everything. And when we were doing the wills, it was just extremely difficult on me, esp since we didn't do it last time (well he did) because we were not married. I know we had to have it done, it was just so hard. I know that Bruce will come home safe and sound, alive. God is protecting him. And I know this deployment will fly by and I have all of you and my family. :)
But I have been preparing myself and gearing up for this Deployment!! We are having our last date night tonight, until he gets home of course, and we are both very excited!! :) We are going to create great memories tonight!!

What Is Going On??!!?

So I am 21 days late...I haven't poas(peed on a stick) because I know that I am not pregnant. My pelvic pain has been BEYOND bad that it has been waking me up. The last few days I'll be dreaming that I'm having the worst pelvic pain, then I will wake up and be in the worse pain!! I honestly don't know what the hell is going on with my body. I get my period every 28 days but ever since I got off the fertility drugs my cycles have been very messed up!! Last cycle I was 39 days late!!!! I don't have a fertility doctor here in Tennessee yet, and there is no point because I will be moving back to Oklahoma when he deploys to Afghanistan which is VERY soon... Now we don't even have time to try 1 more cycle, unless I started today or tomorrow, which I am just very devastated about! Our goal was to get pregnant before he deploys but yeah that is not happening now...I guess once he gets back then it's IVF with ICSI. I just really didn't want to do IVF unless we had to.. The 3 IUI's process just put me through SO much physical pain and mentally.. and I know IVF is going to be worse.. I just really wish we could get pregnant on our own like most normal couples. I always ask God, "why can they get pregnant let alone on their own, but Bruce and I for some reason just can't." I don't understand why Bruce and I have to go through infertility..I know there is a reason.. Maybe to find out about 3 serious illness, Lupus, Antiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome(APS) and MTHFR Disease, that our fertility doctor found. Or else I would have never even asked to be tested for those. Maybe it's to show us how much a blessing a child is or maybe to show me that just because I don't have a child it does not make me ANY less blessed than a woman/couple with child(ren) Or maybe I am being punished for something..??? I don't know but whatever the reason, destiny always gets it's way. I do know that everything is going to work out for Bruce and I. God is great and amazing. And with him on our side anything is possible.

I know it's been like 3 weeks since I have updated and that I have bearly been on Twitter the last couple weeks, I miss all of ya'll, but I'm just trying to spend as much time with my husband as I can, before he goes to Afghanistan. I really hope ya'll understand. And I just want to thank all my girls! Without ya'll and my husband, I could not get through a day without any of you. I promise to update more and be on Twitter more! :)

It's Starting To Hit Me.

Lupus Awareness Month!!

Sorry it kinda cut me off at the end..HAHA!! If you want to know more about Lupus visit www.lupus.org

Just An Update.

Sorry my allergies are bad..and my nose is kinda stuffy..LoL!!

Earth Day.

Earth Day is a day where we appreciate this Earth and all it's beauty! We need to start taking better care of our beautiful Earth, for our children, for our children's children.

Michael Jackson's Planet Earth Poem:


Michael Jackson's Earth Song:


Listen to his messages, and let's make the change. Together we can do it. But we need to do it together and fast.

AF, You Bitch!!!

So we all HATE AF, but right now she needs to show so we can get back to trying esp before he Deploys. I am 32 days late...I got a Progesterone shot 2 days ago, and the nurse said my period would start within a week, and if it doesn't start in 2 weeks I may be pregnant. Which I don't think I am..we are not that lucky.. I know that she is on her way and close, because how bad my pelvic pain has been since I got that shot.. Not only am I hurting on the left, like always, but on the right as well, and my whole entire lower back..I can't put ANY pressure on it...My pain meds are hardly even working.. My Fertility Doctors have NO clue in why I am late, she said it could be from the cyst, but I have had cysts before and it didn't make me late. So they really have NO idea on why I am 32 days late. My 2ww has turned into a 8ww.. This has just been a very hard 8 weeks and I just want this cycle to end so we can go to the next one...Why is this happening? Esp RIGHT BEFORE Bruce deploys...??? I just hope the Progesterone makes AF come real soon, I don't wanna 9ww or 10ww! I think I am going insane!! AF, I know we have our differences and I hate you and you are never welcome, but this time I am begging you to come. Pleaseeee AF, stop being a bitch and just show up!! Why are you doing this to me?? Where are you? Where have you been??!!? Please just show up already..